It Starts Today....

I started this blog a while back to keep track of my progress with weight loss. As you can see, I did not do a very good job.

What is funny is that had I stuck with this since the beginning, I would have probably never gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy and I would have probably lost the weight a whole lot faster. Oh well. Hind sight is 20/20.

Basically, I just need something to write down my thoughts about weight loss and how I feel about my body. I think weight loss is totally mental and for some reason, I have been mentally stuck for a while now.

First of all, my problem is not exercising as much as it is bad food habits. I mean, both of them play a role, but exercising to lose weight wouldn't be as important if I could learn to really control my eating habits. I have a problem with sugar. It's my weakness, really it is. Anything with sugar, I will eat. If I could learn to control my eating, I wouldn't have to work out as much as I need to right now.

I guess I need to start from the beginning: There have been two times in my life that I have lost a considerable amount of weight and both times have been instigated by a guy. The first time, I was incredibly depressed and was working out constantly, not eating enough, and as a result, I dropped down to 127 pounds, which for someone that is 5'10, that is NOT a good size. I was doing all cardio, not lifting any weights, so I started looking gaunt, my cheeks were sunken in, and my hair started to fall out. Not good. The second time, I felt as though I had something to prove. If I looked better, maybe he would like me more. So, I did it the right way, limited my calories and ate really healthy, worked out moderately, and I got down to a toned 145. I think that was the best I've ever looked or felt in my whole life. I was strong, I would lift weights and do crunches. I even had the beginnings of a six pack.

I shopped a lot more back then. Clothes look so much better on you when you are skinny. People love to say how you can dress your body type, but let's face it. There are certain things you cannot wear when you are bigger, especially when you are top heavy. Forget about cute little sundresses or size 6 jeans. I hate that I can't wear the outfits I want to wear. More than anything, that is what is motivating me to want to lose weight. To be able to wear the stuff I want to wear again.

I stayed around 145 - 150 for a while and didn't have to do much to stay there. When I met Jason, I started gaining weight. I was 166 when I got pregnant and gained 40 pounds. Right now, I am at 179 (or so). Depending on the store, I wear a size 12-14. Jason keeps telling me that I am so beautiful and while I love that I have a husband who finds me attractive, it's not much in the way of motivation. He eats pretty badly and I give in because it's easier than to just make something healthy. He will eat hot dogs, pizza, ice cream, chips, and think nothing of it. And he gains nothing. I eat that and it really puts alot of pressure on my body. So eating better is going to be very difficult for me. I can't expect my whole family to eat like I want to eat, so watching them eat all of that tasty stuff is going to be hard. But it's necessary to stay with the good habits if I want to be comfortable.

I think as far as the exercising, I have some sort of mental block against it. I have this much time every day to things I need: I wake up around 5:30, I go to work at 7:30. I have to get myself ready, a baby ready, and feed us both. I come home around 6, she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8, which leaves me around 2 hours a night. I am not going to work out when my daughter is at home. I get about 3 hours a day with her, which is sad, and I am not going to take more time away just to exercise. I feel as though if I get good about eating, I won't need to workout but 3 to 4 times per week. Saturday and Sunday are good days, and possibly Monday or Tuesday. I also have to find time to tan, so hopefully I can fit that in the mornings.

I really hate working out. I wish I loved it, but I don't. I don't even like it after I am done. I just hate doing it. There was a time I used to really enjoy it, but that is simply not the case anymore. My life is so jammed packed, I feel like it is stealing an hour of my life every time I am in the gym. I do not want my life to center around working out and never be able to do anything else. Nor do I want to never be able to relax after being up all day and never have time to myself. So, it's going to be a mental adjustment to keep this going. I am going to have to do it, no matter how much I do not like to do it.

I feel like by writing about it, every day and keeping myself accountable, it will make it easier. I am keeping my calories monitored at http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and it is really helping me keep track of my goals (when I log the food I eat).

Part of my problem right now is that if I have a bad lunch or eat something that is not good, it just destroys the rest of my day. It's like, well, I've ruined it, I will just eat what I want for the rest of the day and start again tomorrow. If it's the weekend, like this past one, I will just tell myself I will eat what I want just this weekend then start again on Monday. This way of thinking is really not healthy. I always find excuses to eat the way I want. Once I eat badly, my body craves food the rest of the day. I want to eat all day, the rest of the day. This weekend was horrible. I was at my parents and just ate and ate. And it was all crap. It would be fine if I was muching and snacking on veggies and good stuff, but none of it was good. My aunt brought us food and brought Twinkie Strawberry Shortcake. Yep, Twinkies dipped in homemade whipped cream. Skipped the strawberries. Does it get much worse than that???

Now that I have been good and consistant about blogging, I think that this will really help me. I need to write down all that I can to keep myself from going off the deep end. I constantly complain about how fat I am, while I am shoving chips in my mouth. It's really time to be more proactive and do something about it. Stay tuned....